August 23

A letter soon to be mailed.

My Dearest Boys: Neal, Andrew, and Lindsay,

The adventures of Alysia and Brandie have been less than fantastic lately. The weather is cold and we’re a tad miserable, however there have been several occurences that I suppose are worth mentioning:

We mysteriously gained entrance into a nightclub a while ago and attempted to show up every hoochie mama in the house. We then caught the eye of a flaming red-headed gangster midget and danced with him until closing time. Everyone else in the club must have been unbelievably jealous…and the best part is that I got to check “dance with red-headed gangster midget” off my life’s to-do list and that feels pretty darn good.

Further escapades include breaking onto a house boat and eating the food inside. We also found a guitar and an old bongo and decided to have a drum circle on the roof deck which was a reasonable amount of fun.
Two nights ago we left a death threat note in someone’s door telling them that we were going to sacrifice them to the pagan gods of vaginal discharge…signed by “The Rippers,” then we rang the doorbell and ran away as fast as we could. They must be absolutely terrified.

Other than that we have been desperately bored and I have resorted to getting a job at Earl’s where I am being forced to wear skanky clothing as a mandatory dress code…however I do make good money and would much rather surrender my particular moral excellence and virtues to be filthy rich because I am a soul-lacking, greed-stricken monstrosity. Kidding…but having money is nice. I can finally afford to buy new clothes because as of lately my little brother says I dress like a Cuban gangster…no idea how I pulled that off.

Well I hope that things are well in the land in which you are living and I hope very much to hear back from you all because I am simply devastated at the loss of not having you around anymore.

All my love,